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The Other Side of 40 is a dedicated space to women who have made positive changes in their lives after the age of 40. Join host April Grant, as she highlights women to help you find inspiration and support as you start the next chapter of your life.

Today we are joined by Suzette Vearnon, a life coach, relationship solutionist, and creator of Music Math Approach to Relating. She coaches women who have lost themselves in relationships and has created a program that allows you to own your power.

Episode Notes

What do you do when you realize that the things that may have served you at one point in your life, no longer work? What do you do if this awakening happens every 5 years? Is there a way to get the life you want, the job you want, and even the relationship you want?

Suzette provides instruction on what really matters in relationships. You need to learn who you are. You need to learn about your significant other. You need to be coachable. Relationships work when you know yourself and when you understand that your β€œblind” spots could ruin your ability to have a great relationship. Marriage is not something you should try on. You should also avoid getting married in the romance phase of your relationship.  Suzette’s methods of incorporating her Music Math Approach to Relating will make it so that when you have your awakening, the changes you make will positively impact you, your choices, and your relationships.

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Transcript Below:

00:00:06 April Grant
Hello. Welcome. Today we have

00:00:10 April Grant
Suzette burnin and she is a passionate life coach and relationship solution ist who has a signature program called Music Math approach to Relating in her coaching of high achieving women who oftentimes have had at least one divorce in their past. She saw recurring theme. They lost themselves in relationship.

00:00:37 April Grant
Suzette was very familiar with their plight.

00:00:39 April Grant
So therefore she changed her life and really looked for love.

00:00:45 April Grant
When folks tell her she’s lucky that she found someone at the age of 50

00:00:51 April Grant
she responds. Luck had nothing to do with it. I worked for this.

00:00:55 April Grant
So welcome, Suzette.

00:00:59 Suzette Vearnon
Thank you. I’m so glad to be here, April. I’m so excited about what we’re gonna talk about and how we’re going to just bring some magic to people’s lives. So I’m excited. I’m very excited. Eso today you’re

00:01:14 April Grant
actually on the podcast as an expert as a life coach, but I asked a question.

00:01:20 April Grant
Did you have an awakening moment? And if so, tell us about it.

00:01:24 Suzette Vearnon
Oh, yeah. I’ve had many being 60 years old now, but I can’t remember one that really changed the trajectory of my life. Um, I was 52 years old, and it was in 2012. I think that would make it about right. Um, I got the sudden phone call,

00:01:48 Suzette Vearnon
and it was my cousin who was like a brother to me, like a brother to me. I I come from a household girls, so we were really bonded at the here and with the same age. And I have been trying to get up with him because his father had died, who was his last living parent. And I wanted to know that he wasn’t alone.

00:02:09 Suzette Vearnon
He was an only child. I wanted to know that he wasn’t alone. So I kept trying to get up with him. Get up with him, get up with him. Well, I looked out of my cell phone and I saw it was him. And I was just like

00:02:19 Suzette Vearnon
Loris, Loris, Loris

00:02:22 Suzette Vearnon
and I heard tears. I heard sobs and tears on the other end of the phone, and I’m like, this is with This is a Lawrence. And it ended up being somebody else who was on a cell phone. And they said, Suzette, he’s gone.

00:02:38 Suzette Vearnon
Wow, is that he’s gone.

00:02:41 Suzette Vearnon
I’m, like, gone where? Right like while you’re using his phone. You know, maybe this is a wrong number. They said, Dude, this is Suzette, right? I’m like, Yeah, this is Suzette.

00:02:55 Suzette Vearnon
She said your cousin Lawrence is gone. He’s on the kitchen floor. Oh, they’re trying to provide them

00:03:04 Suzette Vearnon
a little good before

00:03:06 Suzette Vearnon
and that shifted my life like nothing

00:03:12 Suzette Vearnon
had ever shifted it before. I’ve had minor ships,

00:03:16 Suzette Vearnon
but this waas an earthshaking

00:03:21 Suzette Vearnon
molecular moving shift. Yeah, And at that point, this question, even in the midst of all my grief,

00:03:30 Suzette Vearnon
might not understanding my shock.

00:03:33 Suzette Vearnon
My inner self asked me this thought provoking question

00:03:38 Suzette Vearnon
because it was the same age and I didn’t expect them to die. And that question was, if you died right now, would you have any regrets?

00:03:48 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah.

00:03:49 Suzette Vearnon
And I sat,

00:03:52 Suzette Vearnon
I sat with it, and I was like,

00:03:56 Suzette Vearnon
Yes,

00:03:58 Suzette Vearnon
because I haven’t lived my life.

00:04:01 Suzette Vearnon
Mm. And I realized I had been living somebody else’s life. I had been living what my mom thought What my dad thought what my community thought What? My church thought I was trying to live up to being the responsible, you know, daughter, that would never cause her parents. Cindy Trouble the responsible Christian that God would say, You know what? She’s really trying. She really wants to do this thing right?

00:04:31 Suzette Vearnon
But I realized it wasn’t my life. I had not given myself permission

00:04:39 Suzette Vearnon
to live my life to color outside the lines to test the waters I had lived so conservatively.

00:04:46 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah, that I had not really lived. And it hit me like a ton of bricks because we were both the same age. And I remember his dreams. He wanted to find love. He wanted to get married, He wanted to have kids. He wanted to do work that he enjoyed doing

00:05:06 Suzette Vearnon
and he didn’t get a chance. So good to see. And I just felt like,

00:05:11 Suzette Vearnon
Oh my God,

00:05:14 Suzette Vearnon
he just died suddenly and it was over

00:05:18 Suzette Vearnon
and at that particular time, And I’m not a wool person. I’m not a person that talks to ghosts and see spirits and nothing like that. Not at all. But I can I can tell you

00:05:30 Suzette Vearnon
I was crying so hard one night saying Why, Why? I was just in the throes of grief, looking out in the darkness, and I really, really believe that he visited me and he says Suzette. Don’t be like me.

00:05:44 Suzette Vearnon
You still have time. You still have time. I know you’re trying to respond responsible. I know you’re trying to do this thing right, But you only have one life, right? There’s so much waiting for you. If you would just stop being scared. Stop holding yourself back. Stop holding onto these excuses because you’re afraid the leak and just go for a girl. Try it, Try it. And that changed my life, April. That truly did changed the trajectory of my life in every area.

00:06:20 April Grant
So what was the first thing you did

00:06:22 April Grant
after having it?

00:06:24 Suzette Vearnon
The first thing I did was leave a job that I hated. Uh huh. Never heard that

00:06:32 Suzette Vearnon
I had hated it for a while. But of course it was paying the bills. I was the single woman my son was in college. I realized that the reason I took the job was because of him and that with him being in college, it was no longer the reason was no longer valid. Right?

00:06:51 Suzette Vearnon
And I realized I hated my job, that I realized it before he died.

00:06:56 Suzette Vearnon
But after he died, it gave me permission, right?

00:06:59 Suzette Vearnon
It gave me permission. It was the first thing I did was I left that job. I did not have a plan, Okay?

00:07:08 April Grant
That I was gonna ask. I was like, I’m

00:07:10 Suzette Vearnon
having to make it. I was having to make it up, and I would not recommend that people just do that because the way down could be very bumpy. You know, you still I still made it, but

00:07:25 Suzette Vearnon
falling like that, you hit rocks and you hit size of things and and you twirl. And you you know it. I would not recommend

00:07:36 Suzette Vearnon
doing that. Yeah, I do know that my parachute did work.

00:07:41 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah,

00:07:42 Suzette Vearnon
it did work.

00:07:44 April Grant
Yeah, I know for myself. Um, whenever I start getting antsy at a job, I know it’s time to leave, because I know I don’t put my all into it anymore. But then I also start looking for the next thing. So I never quite leave without knowing what the next step is. And people always laugh there like, you don’t seem to stay very long. I think the longest job I’ve had is five years. I said, Yeah, because I feel that I got all of what I needed to learn out of it. And for most of my positions, there’s not been a lot of upward movement. So it was like, What am I saying for just a paycheck? I’m not saying Teoh, you know, Yeah, I’ll get mediocre raises, but

00:08:28 April Grant
I could do

00:08:29 Suzette Vearnon
something else on get the same amount, and that’s similar because it’s almost like my 4.5. The five year mark is when the awakening happens, you look around and you’re like,

00:08:41 Suzette Vearnon
You realize that where you are,

00:08:44 Suzette Vearnon
where it Whereas it might have served you at some point in your life, it’s no longer okay. It’s no longer no longer fits and you know you’re no longer comfortable on that. 10 things that happened with me at about the 4.5 to 5 year mark. I know some people. It’s every 10 years. For me, it’s like every five e don’t say about

00:09:06 April Grant
five years is you know, you start looking around and saying, I need a new challenge. I have this. I have this under control and I think I like change and I like growth and I like to learn new things, and I can’t

00:09:21 April Grant
if no one’s there to guide you. You can’t really learn new things, Especially in the position I’ve been in as a manager. You know, you’re kind of at the top, so there’s no place to learn or anything new. And unless they hire someone

00:09:36 April Grant
other to help, it really just becomes the same day in and day out. And I just I personally could never take that. Um, So I know you talked in your bio about, um, finding love. And you said you found your love at 50 and 50 and you tell us about that, um,

00:09:59 April Grant
that wow, the relationship.

00:10:02 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah, it was so funny. We’re talking about the five year mark, and I was thinking, Wow, usually about 4.5 in five years. That’s when I realized I’m not with the right person, okay? Or that this is the season has come to an end on dso. Sadly, it was in marriage because, you know, you get married with the forever. Thank you. But at the 4.5 to 5 months with my ex husband,

00:10:28 Suzette Vearnon
I was like, Mm. What am I doing here? This is not working. What? I was tolerating what I was hoping for what I was praying with. Changed what? I thought that if I just rolled up my sleeves and really gave it the old try would would change. I’m realizing it hasn’t changed. And if I’m looking at him and looking at me and looking at our character, look at our life. Rhythm is not going to change. That usually happens. And that’s what makes my marriage to my husband that I have now significant because we just celebrated five years in December on and we’re old. I would our sixth year. And I can tell you, April, I would marry him again in a minute.

00:11:14 April Grant
Wow. So what did you What did you learn from the first marriage that made you come in stronger with this marriage and make a better choice,

00:11:24 Suzette Vearnon
a better partnership? I learned that

00:11:30 Suzette Vearnon
marriages and something that you just try on. It isn’t something that you leap like we were talking about taking that leak. And because of you, you look at all the wrong calms and everybody is like taking a leap of faith and taking trust. And I know that for some people that work for them, right, so no shade

00:11:51 Suzette Vearnon
But for me,

00:11:54 Suzette Vearnon
my leap was more of a fantasy.

00:11:58 Suzette Vearnon
It wasn’t built on something substantive. I don’t even know myself

00:12:04 Suzette Vearnon
well enough to make a decision. A lifetime decision. I didn’t even know how to recognize healthy and a man. Man, I don’t even know about emotional availability. I didn’t even know about how you’re supposed to be treated. All I had was an example of what I didn’t want, right. I didn’t know how to get something different, right? And so what I learned is

00:12:30 Suzette Vearnon
I had a lot of things that I had toe unlearn

00:12:35 Suzette Vearnon
that were unhealthy. They were familiar,

00:12:38 Suzette Vearnon
but they were unhealthy. And if I did not make the effort

00:12:44 Suzette Vearnon
toe, unlearn them to practice them toe, have somebody walked me through my blind spots to help me see what I couldn’t see to help me break it all down on Lee to rebuild again in a healthy matter, I was doomed to keep attracting the same man, just wearing different clothes.

00:13:07 Suzette Vearnon
And so by the time I met my husband,

00:13:10 Suzette Vearnon
I had not only worked on myself,

00:13:13 Suzette Vearnon
but I also worked to understand me because I had a dad that was in the home. It was a great provider, but my mom and dad’s relationship was not the model of healthy right. And so he could not guide me

00:13:27 Suzette Vearnon
in Chu losing healthy. He could tell me to keep my legs closed. He could tell me, You know what? All men want it, but he didn’t even give me a healthy view. View off men off what to look for in a husband. It was all of well, you know, you don’t know him to you marry him and then you just pray and then you just you can stay. But that was that was the extent of it. And so here I am, marrying

00:13:56 Suzette Vearnon
blindly, and I realized with my husband that

00:14:01 Suzette Vearnon
marrying blindly

00:14:04 Suzette Vearnon
is not healthy and it’s not mature. No, it really is not and on. And I say this because a lot of us have been raised on a heaping helping of Walt Disney and Cinderella and Snow White and romantic comedies. But the truth is,

00:14:23 Suzette Vearnon
the romance phase of the relationship is the most immature face. But yet we get married in it.

00:14:30 April Grant
Oh, I never thought about it that way. I mean, personally, I was never

00:14:35 April Grant
my favorite Disney characters like Bell, Um, and Jasmine, people who are fighting the system fighting the status quo. So I never really believed in the woman, you know, just lying there on one day, someone’s gonna kiss her and wake up. And that’s probably from experience watching the relationships around me. I don’t really see anyone who got married in this fantasy world. Now that doesn’t mean I saw

00:14:59 April Grant
I had healthy relationships to model. I just saw that that wasn’t that, you know, we’re waking up. Getting kissed by Prince Charming was just not the way it goes. I

00:15:13 Suzette Vearnon
was hoping to escape. I think I was trying to escape loneliness. I was trying to escape, but I was the odd person in my family on and before I even knew my name will. My mom was sitting me front of the television, and back then it was a little black and white television with the hangar in the back. My mom was sitting here for that television, and I watched the secret storm. I watched the edge of night. I watched guiding light, so I looked at these soap operas

00:15:46 Suzette Vearnon
and I saw men and women hugging and kissing each other, excited about each other. Then I watched Disney and I saw, you know, love and somebody coming in And you being chosen, you being preferred and and them whiskey when you off to to a better life. And so, in my child like mind,

00:16:07 Suzette Vearnon
I felt like my escape from loneliness. My escape from feeling like I’m the only person in my family, my escape from feeling like I’m the middle child and nobody sees me that somebody. That marriage was the gateway. It was the path. It was the door

00:16:25 Suzette Vearnon
to being loved the way I wanted to be loved to be seen the way I want to be seen.

00:16:29 Suzette Vearnon
And so that was what was in my mind. And and so I never learned to vet

00:16:38 Suzette Vearnon
for the long term. I never learned it. And so I had to work on myself is true. But I also had to work on learning how good men show up,

00:16:50 Suzette Vearnon
how healthy men show up, right? Not perfect, man,

00:16:56 Suzette Vearnon
because pain can make you look for perfection.

00:16:59 Suzette Vearnon
But now I’m talking about healthy. I’m talking about somebody you can build with somebody you can trust your hard to someone who’s not going to call you out your name or treat you badly just because they disagree with you Somebody that’s not gonna make you feel like a slave because they took tootin submission submission Somebody whose ego is not going to be greater than his desire to have something riel with you. I had toe learn

00:17:30 Suzette Vearnon
those things. So where did you go? A lot of

00:17:34 Suzette Vearnon
alright, Why it took its That’s okay. It took therapy. It took it. Took a combination of things. It took me reading relationship books. First of all, to kind of get straight. Um,

00:17:48 Suzette Vearnon
it took me reading relationships and changing to relieving reading relationship books about men

00:17:57 Suzette Vearnon
from male authors. Okay, that’s that’s so important, because who knows men better than other men s. So I had to start looking at my cousin that I talked about that died. He became my go to when I would be interested in a guy because I needed somebody who wasn’t going to try to run game on May. I needed somebody who was trying to tell me what they wanted me to think. You know, I needed somebody who really cared about me and my cousin.

00:18:28 Suzette Vearnon
The one that I mentioned earlier was my go to He was the one that when I started when I got over my pride when I got over my I think I’m smarter than 1/5 grader. You know, when I got over all that stuff, I’m an accomplished woman. Surely I can figure this out on my own. When I got past my ego and realized I don’t know this, I’m not good at this. I keep a trading unavailable, Men, I’m stuck in a cycle I cannot get out. And in reading books alone was not going to do it. So I read books, Yes, and that opened up a space for something different. But then I had to sit and and and and be have a teachable spirit so that a man could teach me about men without me having to judge the rightness and wrongness. And this don’t make no sense. And I don’t get this and oh, this is just a bunch of bs. I had to sit down and say, Wait a minute, he’s a man. Whether I agree with that, I don’t agree with it. He’s a man, right? He’s telling me how men show up. And so it was so funny because I thought because I was liking this guy that my cousin was wrong.

00:19:37 Suzette Vearnon
Can I tell you he was 100% right?

00:19:40 Suzette Vearnon
And that was what knocked me off my high

00:19:43 April Grant
horse. So, what did your cousin suggests to you about the guy?

00:19:48 Suzette Vearnon
Oh, my God. He was just like it was funny. You always say this is on page 33 of the Players Handbook. Everybody knows this e need to get I need to get this player’s handbook, E. He’s like, Nah, if I give it to you, will have to kill you, you know, like, Oh, come on. Come on. But it was It was He would tell me things like, Don’t rush.

00:20:14 Suzette Vearnon
Give him time to show you who he is. He was given another thing of advice he gave me. He said, Don’t tell them what you’re looking for in a man.

00:20:23 Suzette Vearnon
Mm. Let him work for it.

00:20:26 Suzette Vearnon
Let him work to try to please you to figure it out,

00:20:29 Suzette Vearnon
he said, because too many women tell men what they want, and any man can pretend He said a man can give you what you say you want long enough for him to get from you what he wants. Wow. Okay, s so I was like, Okay, so there was some wisdom there as well as I know about men. And so it took that and it took continuing. It took me opening up. It took me. It took me becoming interested

00:21:01 Suzette Vearnon
in understanding men on their terms.

00:21:05 Suzette Vearnon
And by doing so, it made me become more clear

00:21:09 Suzette Vearnon
about who I waas, how important I waas

00:21:14 Suzette Vearnon
and that my standards matter.

00:21:17 April Grant
Your standards definitely do matter. Now, out of the books that you read, do you remember any of them that really, uh, were highlight? Like they were very pertinent in your education about this? Do you remember any time

00:21:32 Suzette Vearnon
The well, the first book I ever read that made a difference that broke me open, if you will. That helped me To start working on some areas within me that were sabotaging

00:21:48 Suzette Vearnon
May was a book called Love Is a Choice.

00:21:52 Suzette Vearnon
That book shifted everything because up until that point, I thought you fell in love on by falling. You know about falling in love. You You go from being the sensible accomplished woman Thio Thio enlisting in the deaf dumb and blind said she s you know you can’t eat You can’t sleep You can’t think you know is every Oh, it’s almost like coming to America. What if do you want whatever you want and you just cease to be able to function because you’re so consumed

00:22:28 Suzette Vearnon
with that man and keep him? But yeah, and keeping him Exactly And love is a choice

00:22:38 Suzette Vearnon
helped me to realize no, you choose. You have the power. You can say no toe what you don’t want. You get to choose choose Love doesn’t sweep you up

00:22:52 Suzette Vearnon
right and grab you and and and toss you around And it does It doesn’t mean the end of you It doesn’t It doesn’t leave you less than and it doesn’t leave you stupefied that love is a choice Really love riel Healthy love

00:23:13 Suzette Vearnon
is H choice. And when you lose your sense of choice you’re not healthy. When you lose your sister choice, your co dependent.

00:23:21 Suzette Vearnon
And that’s when I started realizing

00:23:25 Suzette Vearnon
that the media and all this makes co dependency sexy. It makes it makes it like, Oh, this is love. Oh, you’re in love, girl, that’s all that’s going on your in love girl. I’m like, No, you’re in need. No, you’re in lust. No, you’re in longing.

00:23:46 Suzette Vearnon
That’s what you’re in. No, you’re longing for him to be the right one. You’re in longing, you’re in need and it can feel like what they describe his love. But no, love is a choice. When I read that, I continue I think I read that book and that book had to be about 300 pages already in about two days. I was reading that book because it was like it was giving life to make right in a way I had never experienced. It legitimized me being who I am and not feel like I had to change

00:24:22 Suzette Vearnon
Thio some, Yeah, something that I wasn’t right.

00:24:29 Suzette Vearnon
That was the first book that really

00:24:33 Suzette Vearnon
broke me open the second book and people argue it, they argue. But the relationship book that helped me, especially being an African American woman that really made sense to me, was Steve Harvey’s, um,

00:24:49 Suzette Vearnon
act like a what? I like the lady think like a man think something like that. That helped me a lot because I said. You know what? He’s bringing it to us from an African American male perspective.

00:25:02 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah, and I want to listen and And that book

00:25:08 Suzette Vearnon
helped me a lot, and at that time I was dating my husband that I have now, and I was share with him different things that Steve said, and what made my husband extra special. I already knew he was special, but he said

00:25:22 Suzette Vearnon
he’s right,

00:25:23 Suzette Vearnon
and most guys that I would listen that I heard they’d be like, That’s not right. That’s not right. That’s not right. Yeah, all of us are the same. Oh, no, don’t listen to it. And a lot of women would get confused and they listen to the guys saying, No, that’s not right. He’s talking in absolutes. No, that’s not right.

00:25:45 Suzette Vearnon
But I listened.

00:25:47 Suzette Vearnon
I read it and I took it to heart and some of the things that he said it

00:25:53 Suzette Vearnon
I did. And one of those things he pushed with Stanton vendors standard. He pushed standards, and that’s when I started giving myself permission

00:26:04 Suzette Vearnon
toe walk away. Even if I like the guy.

00:26:08 Suzette Vearnon
So walk away from anybody that made me feel like my standards were wrong.

00:26:12 April Grant
Well, I know when I was dating, I mean, I’ve been married 13 years

00:26:17 April Grant
and with my, um, husband for 17 18 years now, But I remember even being young, I would say I’ve never had a bad relationship

00:26:28 April Grant
and people

00:26:29 Suzette Vearnon
so good people didn’t write April People get crazy because you know how

00:26:37 April Grant
we were You were just saying that that honeymoon phase, that butterfly phases the immature phase and for me, I would look at when I dated a man if they couldn’t even act right in that stage, how they’re gonna act once it gets serious, Because it’s supposed to be the fun part. So if you’re already doing things like standing me up or calling me out my name or being super um

00:27:03 April Grant
uh, being emotionally abuses, condescending, any of those things you’re already doing that we haven’t even started. So why would I want to continue this work

00:27:16 April Grant
going forward? And I pay a lot of attention to how they treat you, not just like generic things like he’s not tall enough. He doesn’t look like what I thought he’d look like,

00:27:27 April Grant
But I had a lot of first dates and I would finish and it wasn’t that

00:27:34 April Grant
they were bad guys. They just I knew they were not going to be right for me. I knew that the way they things they said or the way they treated me, like I had one guy, it was a Ethiopian, um, guy. He wanted to introduce me to his mom on our second date,

00:27:51 Suzette Vearnon
and I was like, See, y’all, you way too intense. What’s the rush is like, What’s the rush? What’s the rush? Hot were taught like, Oh, when they rush, that means they found who they’ve been looking for and there’s no reason to look for anybody else. And my man knows you’re the one. Why should he look for anybody else and something we’ve romanticized? But I’m gonna tell you every time I’ve been rushed, it’s never ended up well for me.

00:28:18 April Grant
No, and you’re not because it’s like now this relationship is about now. We’re already getting other people involved, and now the stakes are higher and I barely know you like we’ve only gone out once. I’m just getting to know who you are as a person I’m getting, and I appreciate it. I think it’s nice, but it’s not like we had this deep conversation Where I, you know, talk for hours like my husband. My our first date we talked for

00:28:45 April Grant
think six hours that night. Onda we had been we actually had been talking online way before that, but when we actually had a date, we talked all night. Um, it wasn’t like that. It was like we had dinner.

00:28:58 April Grant
And by the end of the dinner he was talking about he wants to introduce me to his mom. I’m like, see your on some different level. You’re already controlling our relationship. You’re not even It wasn’t even a Would you like to meet my mom? Because that’s a different feeling because you’re not being pushed. You could say I really like you. I would love if you would meet my mom, But no, he was already making plans in his head and I realized he was going to be very controlling about our circumstances just from that one statement. And I’m very intuitive. And I was just like, Nope, I know where this is going. I’ve seen it

00:29:37 April Grant
and I’m not someone who needs to.

00:29:41 April Grant
I pay attention how people treat other people. I don’t just pay attention, How people treat me because often the way they treat that other person, they can very easily treat you that way.

00:29:52 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah. If you disagree, disagree something they don’t like.

00:29:58 Suzette Vearnon
You’ll find yourself being treated the very same way,

00:30:02 April Grant
right? So I don’t I don’t need to learn the lesson. My myself and I never have. I’ve always been very observant on how people treat other people. And so when dating, I could very much see how they treated their friends, how they treated there, treated me how they treated the help. Like, you know, if we went to a restaurant, if they were rude to a waitress or waiter, that was a turn off for me. Because I’m like, this person is just trying to do their job unless they’re openly rude to us, which they rarely are.

00:30:33 April Grant
It was no need to be condescending or rude to them, you know, and saying niceties like Please, and thank you

00:30:41 April Grant
meant that they care to take that extra step.

00:30:44 April Grant
And so I just really

00:30:48 April Grant
the guys that I dated seriously before my husband, I’ve always thought they were great guys. They just weren’t ah fit for me that’s the other thing we need to learn is that just because they’re nice and just because they’re good people doesn’t automatically mean they’re the right person for you. And that’s okay.

00:31:09 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah, and it z interesting, because for a lot of women who

00:31:15 Suzette Vearnon
have been neglected

00:31:17 Suzette Vearnon
or have felt like their fathers

00:31:22 Suzette Vearnon
might have been present, but they were still absent emotionally, or their fathers left their mothers or something happened with their fathers.

00:31:33 Suzette Vearnon
A lot of times, if a man pays attention, yes,

00:31:38 Suzette Vearnon
it’s like a moth to a flame. We need it so badly that will miss every well, we’ll explain away every red flag that even Stevie Wonder could see, you know, because we so

00:31:55 Suzette Vearnon
need that attention. And it’s funny because

00:31:59 Suzette Vearnon
I’m 60 But I’ve seen this grow up

00:32:04 Suzette Vearnon
in women even as we’ve gotten older. This this need for attention and it will cause you to rush it will cause you to skip steps. It will cause you to explain things away. It will cause you to change and and and become somebody that you’re not. Just because you just want somebody to make you feel like you’re okay. Someone to make you feel like you’re lovable somebody to make you feel like you’re worthy like you’re worth it like you’re enough. And so that’s why

00:32:36 Suzette Vearnon
what I do is, it seems to resonate with people between the ages of 35 even as far as like, 60 to 65 years old, because so many of us have grown up in age. But that five year old is still picking our person,

00:32:55 April Grant
right? Well, that’s why I asked about what did you do to take those steps? Because I think a lot of people want to break that cycle. They want Teoh get to that next stage, but they just really don’t know how. Because yeah, that’s out. There isn’t helping us.

00:33:09 Suzette Vearnon
It has to be worked out.

00:33:12 Suzette Vearnon
The longer it has stayed in you unresolved, the more it has calcified, the more it has become a part of your experience. It’s become a part of your your story. It’s become a part of you. And so sometimes I think as we get older and we’re smarter and we have accomplished things, that we have achieved things we think like I said, what smarter than 1/5 grader? We can read a book, we could figure it out. But then what happens is we meet that man that triggers. That triggers that desire in in us and we forget everything we read. And so it’s like the mindset. So many things have to be

00:33:51 Suzette Vearnon
shifted intentionally and focused. Working on it worked. We have toe work that out. We have toe work it out and D program and re program. And that’s why

00:34:06 Suzette Vearnon
I say one of the main things is coaching. And for a lot of people, they’re like, Well, I’ll just take a course. I’ll just read a book and they think that’s enough. But no, the coaching held you accountable. The coaching holds of the blind spots, the coaching holds up a mirror and the thing about it, when somebody has been through it. I’ve been over the river and through the woods when it comes to relating, so I know all the things we do to keep ourselves in denial. I know all the those places that when when you’re going in that cycle again, I could say up. Wait a minute. Haven’t you seen this tree before? You gotta go, you know? And you need somebody to do it because you are stuck in a cycle and you can’t break your own cycle. You need somebody who could say, Hold on, wait a minute, Let me hold up a mirror. Wait, You said you wanted this, but you’re going in that way. Help me to understand that you need someone to keep you away so that you don’t get get. We love back to sleep by your issues. And so one of the things that people under they underestimate and they minimize is coaching. Coaching keeps you awake. Coaching helps you to get out of your own head. And so that’s one of the reasons that I became a coach because I knew it was needed. It’s so needed. If you’re gonna break cycles off failed relationships, you need a coach. Therapy is great for helping you work out issues inside of you, but relationships that are in contact sport, it’s relating. It’s more than just you, so just working on yourself is not enough. You need to work with somebody to stay away You need is work with somebody that help you toe unlearn something so you can attract something different in your life or when the same thing shows up. Somebody saying, Wait a minute

00:36:06 Suzette Vearnon
in Haiti,

00:36:07 Suzette Vearnon
Isn’t this the same thing? Isn’t this you know? And you could say, Oh, wait a minute

00:36:13 Suzette Vearnon
now I’m being child plunged. Now I need it now I need to take a step back and look at things that I might not have looked at. Coaching is very necessary, and that’s why I do it, because they’re people my age that are still

00:36:29 Suzette Vearnon
still being taken to the cleaners by men. And they’re blaming the man. But it’s not really here in the States

00:36:37 Suzette Vearnon
you need to know, but you don’t know. Well, that’s the thing.

00:36:42 April Grant
One of my favorite books, Relationship Books, is called The Five Love Languages. Have you read that one?

00:36:47 Suzette Vearnon
I’ve read that one and I love it. Uh, this this this I just realized there’s some or to it. Yeah, there’s a lot more to it because just learning that person’s love language is not enough to settle arguments and conflicts and differences that come up in relationships. As you know.

00:37:05 April Grant
No, it’s not. Well, that’s where I was going with. The book is if that partner

00:37:14 April Grant
understands how to speak your love language. That’s why a lot of other things get overlooked if you’re get. If you’re someone who loves to get gifts and this person could brings you a gift every week, you that’s your that they’re talking to your spirit. So even if you’re not trying to like them or love them, you’re like they’re speaking your language of I gotta gifts or access service. He’s always at your house doing stuff for you, always cleaning your car, taking it to get washed. And they’re just speaking that love language. And

00:37:47 April Grant
with that, though, comes the blinders. You know, I’m just gonna forgive, You know, all these other things because they do speak my language instead of thinking of.

00:37:59 April Grant
I need this other stuff to be good, good and speaking the love languages. Nice, because definitely it’s important. It’s part of it. But the rest of it, I really find the love languages air good, actually, more for positive, just, um, positive interactions and keeping the love is a choice alive, Um, keeping that alive with the love languages because then, like, for example, my husband and I, we did the love language test, and he he likes words of affirmation why I always say thank you. When he does, he and he minds the acts of service. So you always does things for me and I say, Thank you and in my head that was enough because I’m showing him appreciation every single time I’ll say Please, I’ll say thank you. And he’s like, I need the extra step of acknowledging what I’m doing for you So it doesn’t seem so robotic, and I was like, That makes sense. I could do that because then that fills up his spirit to continue to want to do access service for me because there are lots of things that I don’t like to dio.

00:39:04 April Grant
Well, mainly it’s cooking. I don’t I don’t like to cook, and he does. So I appreciate him making me all sorts of meals, Um,

00:39:13 April Grant
so but that keep that fuels it. But problem solving. I don’t know if the love languages have any

00:39:20 April Grant
help in the problem solving area at all. It’s just a way to continue speaking positively into the other person’s

00:39:27 Suzette Vearnon
life,

00:39:28 Suzette Vearnon
and you bring up a great point April because some guys, especially if after if men have been

00:39:36 Suzette Vearnon
in the dating game for a while. Some men men are just good at dating. They’re good at their good at knowing what to give you exactly what I’m saying. So that that person might give you gifts in the very beginning. But then you marry them and you find out they just did it to get you. That really wasn’t who they are. And I think that’s a very important thing is that you have to stay around a person long enough to find out who are they? I interviewed, um, this man named Tim T Sahara. Okay, for my You asked. Goodman answered summit. I have that summit every year, and one of things he said is you need to fall in love with the man’s lifestyle. Mhm. And it was so interesting because I had never thought of that before. But the truth isn’t as you know it as a married woman.

00:40:30 Suzette Vearnon
That’s who you’re gonna live with every day. Oh, yeah, You’re not gonna live with the person that gives you gifts all the time. You’re not gonna live with the person that’s gonna whisper sweet nothings all the time, because when you’re dealing with the household and the bills and the Children right and all that. You’re gonna be dealing with the character of the person, what has been honed and is mature and what is not. And so if you follow up with the life of, like, one of things that my husband and I do, that’s not. It’s not big when you look at what people look for, but it’s so really and it’s so good. We both are nerds. So yes, yesterday for Memorial Day, give us, give us a plate of food and we watched old Star Trek okay, and we’re loving it, you know? And so it’s great because our lifestyles align. Sure, you know, there’s still the whole Morris Venus thing going men and and women. But we we enjoy the same things we love going for walks and enjoying nature. We we love, uh, we love going to restaurants, but we just assume, pick up a sandwich and go and sit on a park bench. You know, eso There are things that we discovered through dating that we both had were very similar. We went to similar places. We love jazz. We love going to places that played live jazz, and it was so interesting. One of the first places suggested we go. I was like, I love that place and so we’re able to talk about it and there. So how many things in our life in our life rhythm in our life force in our lifestyle that compliment us being together

00:42:20 Suzette Vearnon
and enjoying each other without having toe plan a date or plan of this? Our regular lifestyle fuels us both. And so it was very interesting to hear Tim to say that. And I’m like, You know what? That’s what That’s sustainable. That’s that keeps us

00:42:39 Suzette Vearnon
intimate. It keeps us together,

00:42:42 April Grant
yes, and doing things together as opposed to a part. I’ll even take it one step deeper with living in. How does he live in his house?

00:42:53 April Grant
Because if he doesn’t clean

00:42:55 April Grant
When you guys were dating, you go to his house and the house is a mess. He doesn’t do dishes. Bathroom’s a mess. That’s

00:43:04 Suzette Vearnon
who you’re marrying.

00:43:05 April Grant
That’s the person you’re marrying. He doesn’t just wake up one day and decide he wants to have a clean house. He doesn’t want a clean house, and nor does he care. Hence the reason it

00:43:13 Suzette Vearnon
looked like that he didn’t care and it’s not. It’s not a judgment. Call its’s, and that’s what

00:43:20 April Grant
we need to get over. It’s not a judgment call to say that we have different cleaning levels, but know that if you’re going to move forward, you will probably assume most of the cleaning. You will

00:43:32 Suzette Vearnon
be the person

00:43:34 Suzette Vearnon
or you have to agree that you’re gonna pay somebody or yes, yes and then do it

00:43:40 April Grant
or you yes or you pay for pay for it. Yeah, Thio. To make sure that it’s also meets your standards doesn’t mean the standards have to fall. It’s just you have to come into the relationship knowing that is not his strong suit, and that is not what he’s going to dio

00:43:57 Suzette Vearnon
exactly his mama, his mama’s on the shirts and you don’t know it. His mama’s doing his laundry. There are 30 year old man who’s Mama or Grandmama are still washing their clothes. 40 50 year old man. I have a cousin, he drives off. I’m not gonna shut him out. He might listen, but anyway, I have a cousin on his mom still does his laundry, and he’s older than me.

00:44:28 April Grant
Oh, no, my husband. Actually, his mom did his laundry for a long time. We would go over and visit, and she would pick up all the clothes and wash all the clothes. I

00:44:36 Suzette Vearnon
was like, Why is she doing our laundry?

00:44:38 April Grant
She’s like she just does it. So every time he would go home, he would just bring home the clothes and his mom would do it. Fold it, I own it, put it back together. And I wasn’t used to that. I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was, what, 13? So I’m not used Thio. Anyone else like taking my laundry or folding it or doing anything with it so I would wake up? I’m like,

00:44:58 Suzette Vearnon
Where’s my clothes? She’s like, Oh, don’t

00:45:00 April Grant
worry, your my mom will bring it back. And for me, initially it was kind of startling, like

00:45:05 April Grant
that control of why is she taking my stuff? But then I had to realize this is her love language, her love languages, acts of service. She likes doing things for people, and but the danger with that was always if it’s

00:45:18 Suzette Vearnon
like if it’s

00:45:19 April Grant
a piece that you love, but it’s like, kind of used and worn um it may not make it back to you. She would be happy to clean it out and it disappears on you. And I’m like, Where’d it go? But

00:45:33 Suzette Vearnon
she’ll replace it.

00:45:35 April Grant
She doesn’t just throw it out. She will actually replace it. And you’ll have like a brand new pair of shoes. And she’s like, Well, I notice the old ones. The other ones are getting

00:45:42 Suzette Vearnon
old I’m like,

00:45:43 Suzette Vearnon
but I really like the shoes.

00:45:47 Suzette Vearnon
So can I have my shoes back? And I have my shoes back. She’s like, Well, I kind of threw them

00:45:52 April Grant
in the trash and they yesterday was trash day, so no

00:45:56 April Grant
so but she’s a lovely woman. I love my mother in law. So But, you know, realizing that, yes, men still get their laundry done, I would would not be surprised that if he were to walk out of here today and had a bag of laundry, I walked over his mom’s house. She wouldn’t even think about it. She wouldn’t even ask questions. She’d be like,

00:46:18 Suzette Vearnon
Alright, I got some

00:46:19 April Grant
laundry to do today. That would be it, Um, so but finding out those things which you don’t you can’t find out without having discussions and having talks and really getting to know someone. And on the

00:46:36 Suzette Vearnon
other hand, it’s beneficial that he has a good relationship

00:46:39 April Grant
with his mom because he does feel comfortable dropping his stuff off in her taking care of it. Um, but then you also got the

00:46:46 Suzette Vearnon
other side of how invested in the relationship is his mom s. Oh, it’s all you

00:46:52 April Grant
need to look at when things like that appear and it’s not a black or white

00:46:58 April Grant
thing. It’s not a judgment call, and it’s not black or white. It’s just

00:47:02 April Grant
what are what’s acceptable to you

00:47:06 April Grant
and how much is he if it’s not acceptable to you, how much is he willing to change? Because And that’s at the outset, because if he really likes his mom doing his laundry and he don’t want you touching it, that’s gonna be a problem, because that means that’s gonna have an impact on where you live, how far away you could be, how involved she

00:47:27 Suzette Vearnon
is.

00:47:28 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah, and it’s It’s kind of bad, because in the in the sense that our parents, in the natural order of things will expire before we dio and so I try not to start any kind of habits that I know there’s an expiration date. E can’t and I can’t, and I can’t assume it. And I guess it’s because I am 60 and my mom is 88. There’s certain things that she might have loved doing it might have been comfortable with doing, but I’m slowly taking them over because I realize she’s not gonna always be here.

00:48:03 Suzette Vearnon
So I try to live mindful of that now I still love her. Chicken and dumplings don’t get don’t get it twisted and the sweet potato biscuit Ronnie my, me, my biscuits that will make you slap somebody. But I’m also trying to learn how to do it myself. Yeah, so that if that should happen, I can still have a sense of her presence and the love that I feel from it on be able to pass it on to my grand, my grand twins, you know? So, yeah,

00:48:39 April Grant
So I did want to ask another question that you had in your bio about music math approach to relating. Can you

00:48:47 Suzette Vearnon
tell us about that? Yes. Uh, it’s founded on what I call

00:48:54 Suzette Vearnon
three critical factors of enough nous

00:48:56 Suzette Vearnon
is your voice, your value and your vision. Okay. And by amplifying or using a math term multiplying

00:49:06 Suzette Vearnon
those, it allows you to experience love and life in a different way. Because I I observed relationships and I observed my own my own transformation, and I realized what music and math represented music. But let me start with math because math is where a lot of us high achieving women are very comfortable. Math is the calculating, the doing the performer.

00:49:33 Suzette Vearnon
That’s what math is is the multiplier is the addition. It xyz the working off and music is the vision. Music is the dream. Music is, um, it’s the melody

00:49:50 Suzette Vearnon
that plays inside of you

00:49:53 Suzette Vearnon
that’s so desperately wants someone else to hear it and appreciate it, whether that’s someone else’s. You hearing your own heart song, your own souls, desire. That’s the music. There’s a musicality to it, and then the mouth is the worker bee, so it takes a collaboration of marriage, if you will, off both music and math

00:50:19 Suzette Vearnon
in order for your relationships toe, have harmony, toe have balance

00:50:26 Suzette Vearnon
words that we toss out all the time that our music and math terms, but they’re very relevant when it comes to relationships. And so I ended up putting that together and identified those three critical factors. Because if you don’t feel like your voice is being heard,

00:50:43 Suzette Vearnon
if you don’t realize your value and if you don’t have clarity for your vision,

00:50:50 Suzette Vearnon
then you’re not gonna have a great experience of love or of life.

00:50:54 Suzette Vearnon
And can you give

00:50:55 April Grant
us a practical application of the music math approach?

00:50:59 Suzette Vearnon
Ah, practical application is

00:51:03 Suzette Vearnon
first of all, when people come in, they tell you what they’ve been doing. You know I do this, I do that.

00:51:12 Suzette Vearnon
And my job in using music math is to help them to get to their authenticity. Their core, which is the music. What is it that you desire?

00:51:24 Suzette Vearnon
Right? What is it that that’s broken? What is it that’s not working? What is it that that causes you to feel like you’re out of alignment? You’re out off your out of balance that things are not right. Let’s take a look at that. Let’s look at that and look, starting with the music first and then having the math, How are we practically applying it? What? Let’s look at what you’re doing in your life? What? What you’re doing in your walk. Let’s say somebody came to me saying, You know what? I’m not happy at my job.

00:51:59 Suzette Vearnon
That’s one of the a lot of people can relate to. I’m not happy at my job. Um,

00:52:05 Suzette Vearnon
or for the sake of relationships with. Since we’re talking about rations, let’s go to that. I’m not happy in my relationship. Okay? What’s wrong with your relationship?

00:52:17 Suzette Vearnon
I feel like

00:52:19 Suzette Vearnon
I feel like everything that I’m doing is for everybody else,

00:52:25 Suzette Vearnon
right? It’s for the kids. It’s for my husband. But

00:52:31 Suzette Vearnon
I feel like But what about may? You know, we hear that a lot. But what about me?

00:52:36 Suzette Vearnon
Usually I can start a Siris of questions that ask them.

00:52:43 Suzette Vearnon
Okay.

00:52:44 Suzette Vearnon
What is it

00:52:47 Suzette Vearnon
that you really want that you’re not getting?

00:52:50 Suzette Vearnon
Well, I feel like I’m being taken for granted.

00:52:54 Suzette Vearnon
I feel like everything revolves around my husband around my Children around around that. Okay. Okay. In what way are you feeling taken for granted. So one of the things that I do this, uh that’s a technique Years,

00:53:09 Suzette Vearnon
the five wise,

00:53:11 Suzette Vearnon
where you ask that person why and five. Of course. is just a number, but you keep asking them why

00:53:20 Suzette Vearnon
until they get to the rial heart

00:53:23 Suzette Vearnon
off what it is that they’re missing. Okay,

00:53:26 Suzette Vearnon
So why do you feel this? And they give you an answer? Well, why do you Why do you feel that right? And so the goal is for them to go deeper out of their head and more deeply into

00:53:40 Suzette Vearnon
the rial core of their pain. What is it? That’s really, really happening.

00:53:46 Suzette Vearnon
I feel invisible.

00:53:48 Suzette Vearnon
I feel like

00:53:50 Suzette Vearnon
my dreams are dying

00:53:53 Suzette Vearnon
and nobody seems to care.

00:53:55 Suzette Vearnon
Mm.

00:53:57 Suzette Vearnon
So it’s using that technique to get down to the music, the music that for whatever reasoning is being drowned out by all the noise of other people

00:54:10 Suzette Vearnon
getting them down. So that’s one technique that I used to help them to get down to it. And then from that place of identification,

00:54:18 Suzette Vearnon
then we could start saying

00:54:20 Suzette Vearnon
Okay,

00:54:22 Suzette Vearnon
how are we seeing this in other areas

00:54:26 Suzette Vearnon
we start identifying, Okay? This person has a problem saying no. So it takes the emphasis off everybody else, and it’s like, Okay, how am I owning this?

00:54:38 April Grant
Okay, so it helps you get down? No, to your actions. and how your actions air contributing to what’s going on around you

00:54:47 Suzette Vearnon
and to your base of power. You are your base of power, which is another math turn. You know, when you talk about expert exponents and all that, it talks about the base number of power right, which represents you. You’re the base number of power and you

00:55:06 Suzette Vearnon
have the power to manifest and recreate your surroundings. Something as simple as saying to your husband.

00:55:16 Suzette Vearnon
Babe, I don’t want to do there

00:55:19 Suzette Vearnon
right

00:55:21 Suzette Vearnon
and explaining to him

00:55:24 Suzette Vearnon
it doesn’t it?

00:55:25 Suzette Vearnon
It doesn’t feel right to me. It doesn’t. It doesn’t resonate. Makes me feel like I’m losing

00:55:34 Suzette Vearnon
mayor.

00:55:35 Suzette Vearnon
It allows you toe to say things that usually you you don’t talk, you sigh you, you know and you expect people to read your body language to read the iro to read the side. And you and I both know men and Children do not speak. I roll. They do not speak. No, they do not So helping that person to get down to what’s really bothering them so they can articulate it so they can give it words in a way that doesn’t attack the people in their lives. And by doing so,

00:56:11 Suzette Vearnon
you’re you are owning your power

00:56:14 Suzette Vearnon
and you’re inviting other people to become allies off, helping you to become better because a lot of our struggles our because we want We don’t know how Thio, We don’t know how to express it.

00:56:28 Suzette Vearnon
And so that’s just an example of a technique that I use with people to help them to. They’re on the performance in. But let’s bring the balance to the music in because what’s being neglected is your music. Okay?

00:56:43 April Grant
Wow, that’s a great explanation. Um, we have been talking for a now,

00:56:48 Suzette Vearnon
er so it was really good editing. We’re so happy with the editing. No, I

00:56:56 April Grant
you know, I just try to edit as little as possible. I think the conversation is natural and that’s where it should be. Um,

00:57:06 April Grant
I just wanted Thio ask you where can people find you online?

00:57:10 Suzette Vearnon
Sure, they can find me at my website, which is Suzette solutions dot com.

00:57:16 Suzette Vearnon
I love my hanging my hang out spots that I loved the most on social media off Facebook and instagram eso You can find me at your coach Suzette

00:57:30 Suzette Vearnon
Okay. On both of those platforms on, Uh, that’s where you’ll find me the most. And also I have a podcast that I absolutely love is called the Enough back to podcast, Another music, that kind of thing. What is your enough factor on DSO? I have a podcast where I help people redefine what makes them enough

00:57:52 Suzette Vearnon
in life and in love by amplifying those three things your voice, your value and your vision. I have some solo podcast, but I also invite yes, and hopefully April will be a lovely guest that I have that will help people help help them to stay awake to their enough nous because they are already enough. It’s just that they need to be reminded. And so I have guessed that helped remind them in life and in love, whatever that area is that they are enough. And so it’s cool all the enough at the podcast. That’s on all major platforms. Um, it’s an apple I heart radio Spotify, anchor Pod bean. Even you can tell Alexa to play enough at the podcast, and she will. She will do that. I got

00:58:42 April Grant
a chance to see if I could get my podcast. If it’s already there, I don’t know how that works.

00:58:46 Suzette Vearnon
Yeah, it’s an apple. If this apple, you can tell Alexa she automatically closed toe apple. I found that out recently. So sometimes I’ll be downstairs fixing breakfast and I’ll say, Alexa, open enough at the podcast and she’ll hoping it on. I’m like, Oh, that’s me. You can find me there. That’s my host. That’s the host hosting platform, and that’s enough factor dot pod bean dot com But you can also go to Suzette solutions dot com and click on the navigation bar podcast, and you can listen to it on any of your platforms I have where you can just click on. Your preferred platform is right there. You don’t have toe hunt for it, and you can listen that way as well.

00:59:33 April Grant
All right. And I am also found on other side of 40. I’m everywhere. Other side 40 no spaces, no dots. And that way I’m on Facebook. Instagram I have a Twitter account. It is not being updated. I just saved the name. Um, just so no one is putting other content on,

00:59:57 April Grant
um

00:59:58 April Grant
other side 40. It’s I mean, I don’t really actively post, but I also have a Facebook group, Uh, that I would love for your participation in where we have open frank discussions about what’s going on in our lives and how to genuinely fix them and change the trajectory, your next chapter to be different than your current chapter. So and I want to thank you again, Suzette, for coming on. And I look forward to speaking with you more in the future.

01:00:30 Suzette Vearnon
Thanks again for having me on and I really enjoyed. And I hope to be on again.

01:00:35 April Grant
Yes, it sounds good.

Wine of the Month clubs