In this episode, I introduce our newest contributor, Kimberly Dixon. After a brief conversation about an energy clearing that I had with Alicia Helps. I shared that she was able to reframe what I said and make it resonate with me. Kim had her own experience.
I hope that this episode makes you think of what you brought into your adult relationships and how to look at them differently.
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April Grant 0:08
Welcome to the other side of 40, where we talk to women, and help them live a guilt free life. Today, I have Kim Dixon. She is a longtime friend of mine. She is mother to two beautiful girls, and a wife to a wonderful husband. She has also a minister. And we actually met because we were homeschooling our children together. And we are talking about what we could do to make our lives easier in teaching them. So but now she’s moved, she’s moved twice. Yeah. And now she is in a whole nother state. And she has a lot of awesome things going on, including her own podcast, her own website, and actually a joint podcast with another woman. And I’ll let her tell a little bit more about that. Can you tell us about what you have going on in your life?
Kimberly Dixon 1:10
Yes. So I did move again, which at some point I would love to talk about, because that was another interesting part of life moving again after 40 having to move, you know, I had a vision for myself at this particular age. And so moving again, was not part of it. But I did move I am back up north. I’m used to sunshine and beaches, and had to wear winter clothes for the first time in a long time.
so I’m still adjusting to that. But I do on Facebook have a page a high rises of wisdom page, where I do lots of live casts, and they are Bible study based I guess, in I got bored, very quickly, my the way that my brain works, and it has to keep busy. And so digging is something that I do well. So I begin to dig and found out there. What I have been taught about the way that God speaks to the Bible is I’m limited. So does it limits the application to my life? And so there are just some things that I do I process live like I do, I’ll do something and then I’ll talk through it live like you know, we get to process together and people ask questions. And you know, you’re allowed to jump in or call in or anything like that. I do another live with a young lady named Jamila. She’s a 20 something year old, black female, single, no children. And so we thought that the dichotomy between the two of us would be great, just on it’s just talk show topics. Nothing is off limits. We talk about everything in the difference of our opinions. And we have fun, we have really good time. We have good chemistry, which was surprising. I also have my own podcast on pod bean, and I’m working on giving it other platforms.
Yeah. So that is assessable.
Yes, and you warned me iTunes, if they are serious about their business, you can throw stuff up on iTunes. And it is called wise conversations. Again, no subject is off topic. Everything I warn my listeners, I don’t Well, I guess Warren is a strong word. I informed my listeners that on most of my platforms. You I always list them as religious even though they’re not. Because I’m bound to mention Jesus somewhere. And I just want to warn people I don’t want them to hear and go to one of those. But that’s a you know, kind of how I’m trying to run my life. I did it my way for years and years and years. And it sucked and
now I kind of like to try it
God’s way. So I just kind of warn inform my listeners that that is possible that may pop up if you ask a question. And you know, you want to know how I may have to say God did it. So, but those are the three things that I am working on. I’m working on my website, I believe high rises will be the parent company, for all of these things to fall under the umbrella of so I wanted to be able to, I’m trying to reformat my old website to incorporate everything. And I wanted to have I found that now I need to have a, what do they call it like a store. Um, because I have a couple of things. I have a couple of books that I want to be able to make available. I also have a small side business, it’s called wise remedies. So everything as you can see, falls under that theme of the high rises of wisdom. So this is wise remedies where everything is, has a holistic twist to it. So like I do scrubs and soaps and perfumes and ointments and things, but they are based on the need of the customer. So they are customized to a specific person. So if you have certain things that you’re trying to address, then say the scrub the show scrubber, not I don’t like to say sugar scrub, because depending on what the need is, it could be baking soda, rice powder, you know, depending on what your issues are. I customized scrubs and oils and teas, I got into the last few years, I got into studying herbs, which of course led to essential oils, and trying to change my lifestyle, I found that a lot of the chemicals in the stuff that I’ve been using, have been crazy on my body. And then since the radiation and chemo, I can’t use up. My immune system is not having it. So those are some of the things that are right off the top of my head that I can think as you can see, my plate is full and I tend to get overwhelmed. Yes,
April Grant 7:23
I go home Well, I
Kimberly Dixon 7:26
got going on life.
April Grant 7:28
Well, I left. So let’s bring it back. We wanted to talk a little bit today about the way we were raised and the impact that it has on our current relationships. So Kim and I spoke over the weekend. And one thing we realized or discuss, I wouldn’t be realized, because we knew it before we spoke was that the way our parents raised us has a very strong impression on what we want to do or what we don’t want to do in our marriage.
Kimberly Dixon 8:04
April Grant 8:06
some of that’s positive and some of that’s negative because you always kind of have a a wall up. So for me, I was telling her a little bit about an energy clearing that I had a couple of days ago, last weekend, I had an energy clearing. And the only thing I really remember from it is she used the word betrayal in a very brief discussion about how my father seemed to be super loving. And then, and he was my stepfather. When my sister was born, stop being that loving, caring father. So I had a very paternal father, a father figure that was loving in my life. And then all of a sudden he was there but disappeared. And how that’s playing out in my relationship is even though my husband is here and helpful and lovely, and everything I always have in the back of my mind, and he’s gonna turn one day. So, but you will slowly learn my story. Throughout these interviews. Right now we’re going to focus on Kim. So tell us a little bit about how that conversation went for you and what it brought up.
Kimberly Dixon 9:31
So I started thinking about my father and my father died at the age of 12. My I was 12 when my father died he didn’t diabetes.
April Grant 9:45
man he was getting in work early.
Kimberly Dixon 9:54
it was I did not realize until this conversation impactful that was for me, because up until the age of 12, I was Daddy’s little girl, which does not take much effort. It’s just a relationship that, you know, fathers tend to have with their little girls. He left here at an age where there were some things that I did not get taught. So now having the level of Father, I did not have the opportunity to love to learn how love works between a man and a woman even seeing that like with my mom, but specifically for us, right? You know, it doesn’t take any effort as a child, a young child, a baby, a toddler, to getting the love of your father, it’s an automatic thing. But in your preteen adolescent pubescent years, you begin to learn, right? How that works, instead of, you know, for instance, just in talking about the transition of it all, so when you’re little, you just, you know, you just say daddy ice cream, please. And he’s like, Oh, do some ice cream, right? Of course, at 1213 those years where you learn how to work it. You know, where it’s not automatic, you learn that, it’s going to take a little more than please, you know, it’s that he can have some ice cream,
you know, learn
April Grant 11:39
the native vectorize
Kimberly Dixon 11:40
what works for the love of a man what’s acceptable, what’s not what’s acceptable for ladies, in relationship with men. What’s required, you know, that given take, that you learn, you discover that you are comfortable, you’re in love with your daddy, because because of what? Well, because I feel safe. I feel like he protects me, I feel you know, you learn these specifics, as you get older, you can put a name to it. And it’s not just, you know, that’s my dad. Um, and so I didn’t, I didn’t get that I kind of had to figure that out on my own. And it wasn’t my mom’s job to teach me that was something else that I had said I was very angry. I think with my mom, because, you know, my dad died. So the lovey dovey part of my growing up, that parent was gone, and my mom was all business. Um, but there was something that I lost, I reflected on it, I realized that it wasn’t her job. That wasn’t her the affectionate part of it was not her job, her job was, and she did it well was to raise me to be strong, strong, independent, self reliant, you know, just all the attributes that you need to stand alone on your own, which she gained more of after my dad died, because now she has to do it on our own. There’s no man in her life, there’s no covering. It’s just her. And so now she was, you know, preparing me Listen, you know, you’re going to have to learn to be able to stand on your own and do it this way. And did it other than that, and so everything was hardcore. From her. It wasn’t her job to teach me the love of a man. Right? That was my dad’s job, and he was gone. So now, fast forward, I get married. Um, and I am requiring having a expectation on my husband, to provide me a love that he can’t give me. I’m looking for that that I missed. I’m looking for that unconditional parental love that daddy love that. That it’s a different the love of a father is different than the love of a husband. Right? Yeah. But I’m asking him to give me something that he can’t give him that he, at this point, we’re getting married. He doesn’t even. He doesn’t even know what that is. He doesn’t even understand that. He’s not a dad. He doesn’t know what it’s like to love a girl. He didn’t see this father do it with his daughter, because he left the family early. And so I’m putting these requirements, these hardcore requirements, and I’m making it very clear that this is what I need to feel. Completely loved to feel the kind of love that I want. I’m asking him to carry on The weight of my father, I’m asking him to give me something that he cannot give me. Um, and so because I’m not getting it right, check this out. So because I’m not getting it, I’m making sure that he is aware that that he is now insufficient. He is incapable. He can’t give me what I need. Why can’t you love me? I’m like, I’m loving you. Why can’t you reciprocate I’m trying to show you and, and all of these things. And, and so I had this epiphany that cheese. Suppose I’m putting all this pressure on this man. And I’m making it very clear that he cannot hold the weight. And in his head, he’s going well, this is never gonna work. This is never going to last. Eventually, she’s saying I’m not going to be enough. She’s out of my league. I high maintenance. I can’t maintain eventually, she’s going to walk away. So when that happens, let me make sure that I have this plan reset.
Make sure that I’ve got something in the fall and you know,
April Grant 16:14
yeah, so he, he feels you pushing him away. And so he’s like, one day she’s gonna. Yeah, done. And I don’t want to be out on the street. So I need to prep
Kimberly Dixon 16:25
Right. Yeah. And so now Cohen? Oh, my God, I did I do that, like is, and that was the title of the podcast, and I caused my own pain, like, did I do that? Did I pushed him to that? Now, that’s, that’s not giving him the excuse, or the benefit of making the choice, the choice was still is the right choice is still responsible for, um, but you know, and then here, so here’s the flip side of the same coin. So now is the father of my two girls. And I am now requiring him to give them what I’m looking for. Yeah, you have to love your daughters. This is how fathers love daughters. Right? Completely. And you have to make sure that you, it’s you doing it like this, and it looks like this. And it sounds like this, and it feels like this. And he’s not doing it. And I’m getting angry. So now I have the lack of what I need from two fives, my father and the father of my daughters. And now my husband. Right. And so here I am. I mean, it was so mind blowing for me to look back over that, and and to really try to plug some things in. Right? Is this real? Is this a realistic thought? Is this just, you know, my mind working? Is this really applicable? Kim, just, you know, kind of think about it, break it down. And it really is. I’m carrying that weight from what I lacked from my parents into my marriage, and then trying to transpose it on to his fatherhood of our daughters is a lot of big deal. So I actually, I actually talked to him, we had to sit down and I had to kind of release him from that I had to kind of, I let him know that I acknowledged the fact that I may have been asking a lot, I may have given him the idea that he bit off more than he could chew. But really, I was shoving it down his throat. And then he did a good job standing up underneath the pressure of what I was putting on him, because I mean, it was really rocky for us. But it could have been worse. Yeah, I could be divorced. We could have been in an abusive relationship. Yeah. You know, that it could have turned a lot of ways. And so I kind of apologized for my part in that. And I released him from carrying that way you no longer have to provide something that was not his job to fill in my life. You know, he’s supposed to give me the love of a husband. And not the love of father. Sadly, because and then in our conversations, even with that, we kind of discovered that the love of a they’re different because parents love even parents love is really not unconditional, because parents can get fed up. I love you, but you gotta go. Right? Oh, yeah, it’s not really unconditional. Um, it’s not like, you can Stay here and continue to act a fool and everything will be okay. And it’s the same in a marriage. Um, love is not earned conditional love is compromising love is complementing love is, you know, you work that thing to fit it. You know, you buffed some edges, you sharpen some edges, you know, this is I’m bringing all of me here, you’re bringing all of you here, we’ll put them on the table, and we’re trying to find out how this thing’s gonna work, how we’re going to match it up, we compromise you know, okay, if I know that this is, you know, toe stepping or gut punching from you all the time. I can’t say well, that’s just me, you got to accept me and love me unconditionally for all of my faults. Now. Right Unconditional Love does not include pain. So no, you are not supposed to love me. And it hurt. It’s almost like an oxymoron. Right? Yeah, I’m so having that conversation with you really sparked, um,
on attended auto recognized aspects of our relationships with our parents. And I think that something really positive came out of that. He was really freed and it was emotional for him. And even for him hearing it realizing he didn’t know either, right. And so for him realizing it. From that, and then also realizing that he’s not.
I know, she’s crazy. And I’m a great person. I’m a great many ways, right? And I’m not
April Grant 21:45
hold on real quick. Can you repeat like the last like few seconds because it cut out? Okay.
Kimberly Dixon 21:53
I did, yeah. Okay, sorry.
April Grant 21:57
Kimberly Dixon 22:01
So having that conversation freed him up quite a bit. It was really emotional. And it helped him to sit and think about some stuff too. Because he went through waves of, well, maybe I am a really good husband and a really good father. And she’s crazy. Right? To Well, maybe I really do suck as a husband and I do suck as a father. And she’s not crazy. She’s right. But he was able to find some, some middle ground because in his own reflection, with his father leaving when he was a bull way, and his sister being the older child, he didn’t get to see how a father nurtured a daughter.
Right, he left. And I mean, he nurtured his other family, his other daughter spectacularly. But because it was his other family, there was animosity, and so he didn’t look at it, he was angry with it. And which means that he didn’t get to see how to be a husband and how to be a man how to be a father, he had to figure all of that out on his own. And when you teach, when you are self taught you do what you like, you don’t do what you don’t write,
you don’t do what you need to do, you do what’s
April Grant 23:20
easy, and you do what seems seems right for you at the time, and makes you feel better, not particularly what is better for the situation at hand.
Kimberly Dixon 23:30
Right? And it fluctuates, you never create a foundation, you know, and if you deal with something that you use across the board, it’s so generic, because you have that option of flowing the way that you want to flow. And so, you know, even he was able to do some self discovery. And I think it actually has put us on new ground like we’re on a new trajectory directory,
in our relationship, so
that’s why I say having conversations being transparent, and being unafraid, creating safe zones, I’m all about safe places and safe places. For people to be able to be who they are so that you can hear it out loud, you can see it right. If I hadn’t had that conversation with you. I probably could have gone the rest of my life without ever looking at that.
April Grant 24:31
Yeah, and it was and for me, it was just being open to allowing someone else to speak into me. You know, the energy clearing was about really her listening to me, ingesting the information and then giving me her interpretation of it. But the benefit of having her interpretation is it’s not my interpretation. And it was good to have someone from the outside look in. Because I had a lot of I have a lot of issues with my stepfather. But one I never thought about was a betrayal. And that hit hard for me. Because it was, it was a sudden turn in our relationship, it was a very happy one. And then it was not a very happy one. And it was almost overnight. And so when she said that, it was like, oh, because I’m trying to fix this other problem over here, and I’m working diligently on what I think it is. And things aren’t getting better. You know, I still have anger and hostility. And, and I had a conversation myself with my husband after this happened. And I went to him and I said, You know what, I’m sorry. For kinda in the same way, I’m sorry for putting all this on you. And he, you know, reassured me that he’s not going anywhere. And I had to let him know, unfortunately, that doesn’t mean anything. I know he wants it to mean anything mean, mean something. But because my stepfather never went anywhere. I mean, if my mom didn’t divorce him, he they’d be married to this day. Well, he passed away until his death. They, that doesn’t mean anything to say I’m not going anywhere. Because the going that my stepfather had was not physical. It was emotional. So recognizing that it was an emotional leaving an emotional departure, was very eye opening, because I was like, Oh my gosh, he just how I felt as a 12 year old little girl, is that he no longer loved me. After talking Well, I think he did. I think he also did not know how to love. After that, like, I don’t think he did, he was the baby of the family. His dad was out doing his own thing. And he just, he likes, he liked little children, like he could play with them and have fun and all that stuff. When they got to a certain age, it was kind of a hands off like you do you type of attitude. And all of that just happen to coincide at the same time. But at 12, you don’t understand that? at 20. You don’t even understand that, right? And so when she, the energy clear, just came out and said that one word, it just like hit me so hard. I cried for like two hours. And I needed it though, you know, I put on then I went for a run of sunglasses, put on a hat because my eyes looked a mess. And then went for a run just to kind of get the fresh air and kind of breed that new life. And so it’s very important to kind of think about how our relationships with our parents formed the relationships that we’re having now, and especially if it’s a troublesome one. Because if we are having troubles and stumbling with our partners or our family members, what part of that is actually from something that happened long time ago. That’s just kind of ingrained in us today.
But that’s it for today.
Thank you so much for coming on. I will put her Thank you for having me. Can you give us a name, your social media links or the names of your pages that people can follow you on?
Kimberly Dixon 28:47
Yes, on Facebook, I my main page, I go under Kimberly Dixon
I have also managed pages for the high rises of wisdom. And you can find that right through my main page. Also, I always have links for that. I have a shared live Facebook with Miss Jamila. It’s called bits and pieces. That is also available on Facebook under the same name or you can find that right from my main page. The podcast on pod bean, and I believe it’s on Spotify and I’m working to get it on to iTunes and Apple is wise conversations. The the owner name for wise conversations I think is just wise enough. But it’s also the email address is the high rises of wisdom. So everything if you just find the high rises of wisdom, you’ll find everything other links So
they’re all I have them all together on Facebook. So if you just go to Facebook, you’ll be able to find all those.
April Grant 30:08
Awesome. Thank you so much for doing my first interview is really fun and really exciting. I look forward to seeing more of your work. And I know you will provide us with some great stories, as well, as you’re getting your ministry isn’t a ministry degree or what exactly are you getting
Kimberly Dixon 30:30
a degree in? I am getting a degree in pastoral counseling that I would love, for leadership to have a place to go, a safe place to be able to go and be real people working through their issues as they leave other people. I mean, you know, because you take on a lot, you hear a lot, you carry a lot. And you know, under the black Christian show, you were like the last line of defense, you get to hold the bag, so to speak. Yeah, which is unfair. And so I want to be able to help leadership be able to release and revive and refresh and know that they are unloading in a safe place. So I am degree in pastoral counseling. I am an ordained minister and Deacon. And, you know, I’m trying to live up to that, you know, I’m still a regular people I have to get people to understand I’m still the regular human as real human issues. Even more so. Right. Right. comfort us first. So yeah, I’m always going to school.
April Grant 31:46
Yes, your perpetual student, which I love. I don’t want to do any more education if I don’t have to, but that’s not true, because I learn all the time. Um, you did. So I just wanted to sign off. And thank you so much for being the first interview.
And have a great day. All right, I
Kimberly Dixon 32:09
loved it. Thank you for having me. Hope to be here again. And I can’t wait to see talk and relate with your audience.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai